Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
If two people remain in passion for long enough, and there is a long-term compatibility where they can continue to share new life experiences together indefinitely, then commitment will arise. Commitment is an unbelievably powerful feeling and occurs rarely in life. Couples that are in Love Two and not Love Three will often feel great until something happens: he loses his job, she has a miscarriage, he starts drinking, etc. Scientists have actually shown that for couples who reach that level of commitment, their senses of self actually merge with the other person.
Commitment arises with the idea that the relationship will persist indefinitely. The only way it can end is if one or both parties of a relationship change individually to the point where it becomes harmful for the other person to self-identify with their partner: again, think of the husband who becomes an alcoholic, or the wife who keeps cheating, etc. Sometimes even then, the power of commitment holds on, depending on the people.
Passion and Lust can disappear well after Commitment arises without affecting the Commitment. Lust is needed for passion, but passion can exist later without it. Passion must exist for commitment, but later on, commitment can exist without it. There are timetables for each love, although these are very arbitrary and will vary widely from person to person and couple to couple. Passion takes anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to emerge, and usually sticks around for months. In highly compatible couples, it will persevere but still require effort and constant communication to maintain beyond a couple years.
Commitment arises after anywhere from years together and remains for a lifetime unless two people grow apart as individuals, in which case it often takes years to undo itself. Relationships can be complicated and difficult. But few people know that there are some pretty clear signals to know if a relationship is going to work or not. Put your email in the form to receive my page ebook on healthy relationships. You can opt out at any time.
These 20 Quotes Explain Why We Need Unconditional Love So Damn Much
This is the person who we would like to be. Carl Rogers viewed the child as having two basic needs: positive regard from other people and self-worth. How we think about ourselves, our feelings of self-worth are of fundamental importance both to psychological health and to the likelihood that we can achieve goals and ambitions in life and achieve self-actualization. Self-worth may be seen as a continuum from very high to very low. For Carl Rogers a person who has high self-worth, that is, has confidence and positive feelings about him or herself, faces challenges in life, accepts failure and unhappiness at times, and is open with people.
A person with low self-worth may avoid challenges in life, not accept that life can be painful and unhappy at times, and will be defensive and guarded with other people. As a child grows older, interactions with significant others will affect feelings of self-worth. Rogers believed that we need to be regarded positively by others; we need to feel valued, respected, treated with affection and loved.
Positive regard is to do with how other people evaluate and judge us in social interaction. Rogers made a distinction between unconditional positive regard and conditional positive regard. Unconditional positive regardis where parents, significant others and the humanist therapist accepts and loves the person for what he or she is. Positive regard is not withdrawn if the person does something wrong or makes a mistake.
The consequences of unconditional positive regard are that the person feels free to try things out and make mistakes, even though this may lead to getting it worse at times. People who are able to self-actualize are more likely to have received unconditional positive regard from others, especially their parents in childhood. Conditional positive regard is where positive regard, praise, and approval, depend upon the child, for example, behaving in ways that the parents think correct.
Hence the child is not loved for the person he or she is, but on condition that he or she behaves only in ways approved by the parent s. At the extreme, a person who constantly seeks approval from other people is likely only to have experienced conditional positive regard as a child. This is called incongruence. Rarely, if ever, does a total state of congruence exist; all people experience a certain amount of incongruence. The development of congruence is dependent on unconditional positive regard. According to Rogers, we want to feel, experience and behave in ways which are consistent with our self-image and which reflect what we would like to be like, our ideal-self.
Incongruence is "a discrepancy between the actual experience of the organism and the self-picture of the individual insofar as it represents that experience. As we prefer to see ourselves in ways that are consistent with our self-image, we may use defense mechanisms like denial or repression in order to feel less threatened by some of what we consider to be our undesirable feelings. A person whose self-concept is incongruent with her or his real feelings and experiences will defend because the truth hurts. It seems to me that the good life is not any fixed state.
It is not, in my estimation, a state of virtue, or contentment, or nirvana, or happiness. It is not a condition in which the individual is adjusted or fulfilled or actualized. To use psychological terms, it is not a state of drive-reduction, or tension-reduction, or homeostasis".
Rogers, C. Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications and theory. London: Constable. A theory of therapy, personality and interpersonal relationships as developed in the client-centered framework. In ed. Koch, Psychology: A study of a science. New York: McGraw Hill. On Becoming a person: A psychotherapists view of psychotherapy.
Carl Rogers | Simply Psychology
Houghton Mifflin. Person to person: The problem of being human: A new trend in psychology.
How to reference this article:. McLeod, S. Carl Rogers. Toggle navigation. The ideal self in childhood is not the ideal self in our teens or late twenties etc. Unconditional Positive Regard. Download this article as a PDF. How to reference this article: McLeod, S. Back to top.
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